“How to end unpromising relationship with a man?”

I’ve been in relations with a man 15 years older than me for more than a year. He was never married, always started a new romance, just parting with the previous girl. It happened to me about the same way – on his initiative, to which I was initially skeptical.

But then it went and went, we began to live together almost immediately, and from him I heard about my intention to marry me and the like. I felt a catch, but in general, everything “bought” with great joy for this. I felt good (at times), comfortable, promisingly.

And it would be comfortable for us in relations, if not for quarrels for a number of reasons. He constantly talked with the former (he justified the fact that they were just friends, but for her it was more). I arranged weekly binges from Friday to Saturday, which is why it was impossible to make joint plans for the weekend (“I spend time as I want, do not force me to plan anything, I deserve it”).

In mid -March, he left for our hometown, where I was supposed to come soon. He wanted to introduce me to my mother (he does not have a father, and my mother is the best friend and an example to follow). We met. I felt that my mother did not like it and that it might affect our relationship.

A day after his departure, his mother gets into an accident, I wander around the city for three days, collect her things and help her. And on the weekend I leave for the planned tour to Moscow. At the same time, I was not asked to stay in the city, and I proceeded from the fact that his mother in the hospital, where they did not let anyone in, besides, there were much closer to her family friends.

Two weeks later, a man, taking advantage of a very dubious occasion, decides to part with me – “pause”. It evicts me from his apartment, while continuing to communicate with me and even hint at sex. After my persistent requests to leave me alone, he still decides to resume relations. Then we converge and diverge – either on his initiative, then on my.

And after we live together for a month again with him, he asks the air to the air whether we should part (and, perhaps, he does not love me, because we are supposedly different, we have dubious prospects and so on). But does not want to part, because she doesn’t want to lose me. And not that does not like at all (excellent formulation).

Now we still live together, but in a very incomprehensible state. For some reason I can’t leave completely, I hope that this period will pass. At the same time, I became alarming, I’m afraid for my psychological state and I understand that this is all absolute nonsense and you need to run. But I can not. I don’t see “secondary benefits” Choose either.

What’s wrong with me? Is it possible to consider what is happening by the Abuez, and my reactions are a chemical dependence on the “swing”?

Anna, you got into a trap of co -dependent relationships. Here is a “cocktail” from the Abuez, dependence on the “emotional swing”, the fear of being left without an object of attachment and, of course, expectations that are not related to reality. But let’s understand the order.

  • So -dependent relationship characterized by the loss of their life, their desires and the transfer of responsibility for what is happening and its consequences on another. And, of course, these are endless excuses and faith in changes. To say easier, this is life in an illusory world where reality is very painful and requires change, but there is no strength for it. For example, why someone, even if he is dear to you, decides whether to live with you or not, have sex or not, to expel or, conversely, let it into the apartment? Why this behavior is similar to a relationship between a master and a disenfranchised subordinate? There is no personality, development and a full life in such relationships. You run all the time in a circle, then come down, then diverge, but you never make a responsible decision together.
  • “Emotional swing” – This is a special type of behavior towards another person, consisting in the alternation of proximity and alienation. They are based on the release of endorphins at the time of proximity and adrenaline – at the time of alienation. But in fact, this is a manipulation technique, to which they consciously and do not really resort to relationships. There is no stability in subsequent actions. No safety and peace of mind. There is no faith in tomorrow and plans for the future. This is a nervous game that allows you to manipulate your partner with the help of hope. Such relationships destroy self -esteem, personal guidelines and subsequently the personality. The manipulations are driven into guilt – the one who is manipulated can remain in the illusion that the next phase depends on it. This is a painful state that threatens the psyche of a person, which is dependent on the “swing”.
  • Fear to be left without an object of attachment or fear of losing love. This fear is from childhood, when confidence in the world is formed through relations with the mother. When you have to fight for her attention. And it doesn’t matter, this may be due to the birth of a brother or sister or just an emotionally strict or cold mother. In any case, in adulthood in all respects, this topic of fears will pursue again and again.
  • “Victim and pursuer”. This is another component of the “cocktail” of your relationship. Here the victim always experiences a feeling of shame and guilt for supposedly doing something wrong. She always focuses on her partner, his desires, mood, installation and action. The victim is limp and malleable, although she understands that she is bad and she gradually breaks up into pieces. In this disposition there is no strength to resist and separate. Only she will want this, as the pursuer gives hope for the best and the opportunity to feel significant. But this is done only in order to introduce a new portion of poison through manipulations and lies – obedience.

Dear Anna, you, as an enchanted princess, are in another reality, and life goes past you. Someone gets married, gets bred, builds other relationships, gives birth to children or moves along the road of self-realization, builds a house or moves to another city, makes new friends or learns a new profession. But this all passes by.

Your destiny is to depend on the mood or desire of the partner. There is no movement here, you always get to the point where you recently left. For you, a way out is a trip to a psychologist, a physical department from a tormentor, a request for help from relatives and friends and the most banal escape. Only after the physical department there is the possibility of work, long -term work on the separation of emotional and returning to life. And then your movement will begin, and you will certainly find your love and respectful relationships!


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